I’m writing this blog in two parts. So here goes Part 1.
July 27, 2019
The double lines on our pregnancy test brought us so much joy back in October. We couldn’t wait to meet our next little one and watch our oldest become a big sister. We started planning how we would tell our family and dreamed about the new memories we would make together as a family.
As the months flew by, I found myself ending my second trimester. A bittersweet feeling began to fall over me as I began to realize these last few months would be my last months to spend with my oldest, Camila. I would often cry thinking about how big and independent she had become (thanks, pregnancy hormones) and began to regret every single second I had wasted with her prior to that moment. I found myself dwelling on all of the memories we had created in the last three years and wanted to go back in time - was this resentment I was beginning to feel towards our little girl on the way?
The last trimester of my pregnancy, I spent every spare second showering Camila with attention, like this would almost make up for lost time. I made sure to do something fun every day as I watched these last few moments slip away as a family of three.
Our sweet Juliette came a week early on July 12th, 2019 and we watched our now big girl grow up overnight. As she marched into the hospital room asking where the baby was and ready to meet her little sister (not even saying hi to us), time seemed to stand still. She wasn’t my baby anymore, but my helper and my new partner in raising this little girl.
Fast-forward to today, we have been at home for two weeks now. Confined to my pump and stuck to a rigid feeding schedule, I began to feel our special moments and time together fading. Lack of sleep eats away at me and makes me so short with her. Would she remember this time in a few years? The time when Mommy was always busy with her baby sister and could never sit and play with her anymore? Would she resent me for it later? I’ve watched tearfully out the window as she plays with her Papa, wishing I could be there; wishing I could go on a bike ride with them. But little by little every day I’m getting a hold of this two kid thing and figuring out how to make my first baby girl a priority again.
My mom sent me this poem from Kisses From Boys with Krista Ward and it so perfectly encompasses my feelings.
"You were the baby.
Our only, for a time.
Until you weren’t.
Until another came along.
And then, just like that, you were big.
The baby you once were now long gone.
And I was shocked.
Because everyone had told me, but I never believed them.
They told me that all the sudden you’d seem so huge.
That I might hold you funny, forgetting your neck didn’t need supporting.
That I’d likely be amazed by all the things you were capable of doing.
That I would look at you, tears in my eyes, wondering where in the world my baby had gone.
But they forgot to tell me.
They forgot to tell me that you would always be my baby.
That despite the fact that you seemed so big, you were really still so little.
That even though—in a moment’s time—you became the oldest, you weren’t quite ready to have so much expected of you.
That another baby didn’t make you any less of a baby.
That you still needed more time as my baby, too.
So tonight, I’ll hold you close.
I’ll breathe you in.
I’ll kiss your cheeks and thank God for you, my first.
And I’ll remind myself once more that you’ll never, ever be too old to be my baby."
I’m going to stop here and pick back up in a mouth, hoping to be much better composed and more balanced.
August 26th, 2019
I’m sitting on the floor with Juliette while Camila naps. I was honestly nervous to write Part 2 of this. What if things hadn’t changed? What if I was still a train wreck and I had to pretend I’m okay? What if Camila and I had grown farther apart?
The truth is that they have changed, and for the better. We are in our new norm. My husband is back at work and we are settling in at home as a party of three. We are finally going out places by ourselves and I’m able to give Camila more one-on-one time. I am making sure to spend time alone with both of them and also together. I’m in love with our new family and it’s getting hard to remember life before Juliette. I’m so excited to watch my girls grow up together.
It was a season, as all difficult times in life are, and it was over before it began. We were surrounded by an army of family and friends to help us adjust to our new life and love every single one of them for their love and support.
I had always wondered if there was ever going to be room in our hearts for two and now I know that there is plenty of room. I love my girls more than anyone will ever know.
If you’re in the thick of this phase or of any challenge, hold your head up and know it will be over and will soon be a distant memory. I know we went through some of this with Camila and I don’t even remember it. Hang in there, Momma, we got this.